Part #2 - The Story

[Kelly Wiglesworth]

Will go here when I have time.

[Kelly Wiglesworth]

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Heidi. She was a very good girl, who lived with her aunt and uncle on a farm in Blyde River Canyon, which for the sake of this story was located in Kansas.

One day, there was a tornado. Heidi's aunt and uncle screamed to Heidi that she should go hide in the house. Sadly, Heidi didn't know that her aunt and uncle were not giving her sage advice about tornado survival, but were actually attempting to kill her off by having her hide in the ramshackle old farmhouse while they took shelter in the triple-reinforced concrete basement of their barn.

In defiance of all known laws of physics, the tornado swept through Kansas and picked up the farmhouse. Heidi was very frightened, but kept hold of her dog, Damien, and felt very safe.

Several hours later, the storm dropped the house, and there was a pop-squish sound.

Heidi emerged from the house, with Damien bounding along beside her. There were a pair of legs sticking out from beneath the house. In an uncharacteristic show of craven debauchery, Heidi desecrated the corpse by stealing its shoes.

"I guess we're not in Blyde River Canyon anymore," said Heidi.

"No, we're in Greenland," said Damien.

"E-hem," said a voice behind her.

Heidi turned around, to see an angry-looking dwarf.

"Shame on you, theif!" said the dwarf. "You should be ashamed of yourself! Stealing from a dead person... oh, wait. Holeh crap, you killed the Wicked Kelly of the East!"

"Oh, um, sorry."

"No!" said the dwarf. "We've got four Kellys, two of them good, two of them evil. And you killed one of the evil ones! Hooray!"

"Wait, if there are four Kellys, how do you know which are good and which are evil?"

"Shut up. We just know. But the easiest way to remember is to know that Kelly Wiglesworth is great and beautiful and awesome."

"Okay," said Heidi, since she couldn't argue with such obvious factual information. "I guess I'll follow this Yellow Snow Road to go find my way home."

"That's not a road," said the dwarf. "I drank 4 liters of Mountain Dew this morning. That stuff makes me pee like nobody's business."

"Oh. I'll follow it anyway. Thanks, dwarf."

"My name," the dwarf said self-righteously, "is Boo."

"Boo who?"

"Yeah, that's real funny. Why don't you shut the hell up?"

Heidi had only been walking for a few minutes, when she came upon a man made out of straw.

(more to come later tonight, thanks to the deadline extension.)

[Kelly Wiglesworth]

"Hello," said Heidi to the straw man.

"Awhaa?" said the straw man, who turned out to actually be a straw woman. Who was Chinese.

"Can you tell me how to find the Wonderful Wizard of Greenland?" said Heidi, very loudly and slowly.

"Awhaa?"

"Wizard. Help. Find. Yes?"

"Awhaa?"

"Forget it. Look, just tag along with me," Heidi said to Peih-Gee. "With any luck, the Wizard can give you a voice box. Or at least a Mandarin-to-English dictionary."

"Awhaa?"

"Shut up!"

Heidi and Peih-Gee continued walking, with Damien occasionally nipping at their ankles. Suddnely, they saw a tall metallic man, who was frozen in place.

"Innnnnternet connnectionnn," Frank moaned. "Nnnneeed... an internet connection."

"We're going to see the Wonderful Wizard of Greenland!" said Heidi.

"Awhaa?" said Peih-Gee.

"Shut up, Peih-Gee! Anyway, we think the Wizard can get you an internet connection, so that you can do Immunity challenges and stuff."

"Okay," said Frank, and shuffled along behind them.

The motley crew then came upon a large, angry-looking black woman.

"Whatchoo want?" said the woman.

"Umm... aren't you supposed to be cowardly?"

"Cowardly? The hell is wrong witchoo?"

"Ummm..."

"Bitch, the only thing I'm afraid of is little whiny turds who don't eat their rice. And, let me tell you, when I get afraid, I get pissed the hell off. So you better eat yo rice, you hear me?"

Crystal cracked her knuckles menacingly, and gestured to a fifty-gallon pot of rice.

"That's not my rice!" Heidi protested. "I can't eat that!"

"Bitch, you're gonna eat yo rice, if I have to shove it down your throat!"

While they were arguing, Peih-Gee ate the entire thing of rice. This should in no way be construed as contributing to the stereotype that people of Chinese ancestry have an affinity for rice, but as a mere indicator the Peih-Gee was really hungry.

As the group walked (or in Peih-Gee's case, waddled) down the Yellow Snow Road, they were suddenly swooped up by a pair of flying Kelly-monkeys named Shinn and Czarnecki.

They were taken off to the Wicked Kelly of the West's castle, where Kelly Goldsmith tried to enslave them and do a bunch of evil things that I can't really remember because I haven't read Wizard of Oz in like fourteen years, but was melted into a puddle when Boo the dwarf showed up and peed on her.

Thanking Boo, the travellers made it to Greenland City, and were ushered in to see the Wonderful Wizard of Greenland.

"I am the Wonderful Wizard of Greenland," said Host Sarah. "Do my bidding or die."

"Wait!" shrieked Damien, who ran behind a curtain and exposed that Sarah was actually named Tara. Somehow.

"Okay, fine. I'm still the host, bitch. Do long Immunity challenges, or you'll get voted off!"

"Wait, what?" said Heidi. "I'm not out for Immunity. I just want to get home to Blyde River Canyon."

"Oh. You've had the power to do that all the time, you idiot. All you had to do was click the link on the forum."

"Dang," said Heidi. "I wish I'd thought of that before."

But, before Heidi could click her links together and say that there was no place like her homepage, a pack of velociraptors broke in and began to messily devour Damien, Frank, Crystal, Peih-Gee, and the last of the rice.

"Crap!" yelled Heidi. "I don't wanna die!"

"Good," said a majestic and beautiful figure adorned all in white.

"Holeh crap! Who are you?"

"I am the Good Witch Wiglesworth, and I have come to save you from the velociraptors."

"Okay!" said Heidi, and threw Wiglesworth into the raptors' clutches, in order to give herself more time to escape. Wiglesworth was, sadly, devoured. Everybody everywhere was sad for a really long time.

Heidi successfully made it back to Blyde River Canyon, and lived happily ever after, except for that day when she discovered that she'd actually been dead since the beginning of the story, and was in fact a ghost.

The End.

[Host Damien]

HAHAHAHAHAHA this made me laugh wicked hard! Nice job!

[Kelly Wiglesworth]

Thanks! I had fun writing it.